Castlevania

Publisher: Konami
Year: 1987
Genre: Platform Adventure

Few names in the video game world are associated with so rich a canonical history as "Belmont," the surname of the vampire-hunting family from the acclaimed Castlevania series of games, and though the storied background and heroic legacy of the Belmont family has been expounded in the sequels, prequels, interquels and alternate timelines, this is where it all began.

Right here - at the least shitty NES title
screen of this whole blog.

BurgerTime

Publisher: Data East
Year: 1987
Genre: Action

"In a world without sanitation regulations, one man stands ready to give the people what they want: delicious piping hot burgers. This master chef prepares his creations the only way he knows how: through the power of stepping on food. But when a group of rogue hot dogs and fried eggs threaten to put him on the grill, will he be able to turn the tables on the food rebellion, or will BurgerTime be seasoned... with death?"
-The back of the BurgerTime box, except not actually.

Alternately, this could be Upton Sinclair's
The Jungle: The Game

The Controllers of My Youth

I'm going to babble in a non-review capacity for a moment. Feel free to ignore this post if this isn't what you're here for.

New NES Games

Just the other day I was lamenting to my old pal The Admiral regarding my apparent inability to keep up with this blog. He patted me on the shoulder in a manner at once condescending and sympathetic and said, "Don't worry, you'll catch up - it's not like they're making any new games for the NES." While I appreciate the sentiment, and I certainly don't think that it's an altogether unfair statement, what about...

BreakThru

I know I complain about title screens a lot, but
when this is my introduction to a game, it's
really hard to get my hopes up.

Publisher: Data East
Year: 1987
Genre: Shmup Side-Scroll


In BreakThru, you are the driver of a jumpy car (a fairly common video game theme even today) who must drive into enemy territory, assault their base and recover a top secret jet of some sort (top-secret jets are also a fairly common theme). Along the way, you'll battle enemies that shoot constantly into the area you have to occupy to even have a chance to shoot them, parachutes that prevent their precious cargo from ever reaching all the way to the ground, and chunky controls that will kill you more effectively than any of the enemies can hope to.

Jumpy car, meet... some kind of tank with an
antenna and also I think it's got wheels?

John's Rating: 2.0 out of 5.0. There's not too much mechanically wrong with this game, it's just hard to pinpoint anything this game did right. The graphics are lackluster, the gameplay is bland and unsatisfying, the enemies are dull yet difficult, and although the sound is not overly annoying the best that can be said of it is that it is forgettable.

The final season of Little House on the Prairie was
decidedly more violent than the others.

Bomberman

Dystopian futures have terrible fonts.

Publisher: Hudson Soft
Year: 1987
Genre: Action


Bomberman is a game about a little robot guy who, presumably, lives in a dytopian future where sentient robots are relegated to menial production jobs and all structures are comprised of a combination of bricks and blast doors. Bomberman's deepest wish is to become human, and he heard a rumor that any robot who makes it to the surface becomes human and gets to star in a considerably less fun game. As such, the bomb-making droid sets out on a quest to escape his dull factory existence and kill everyone in his path, a plan that is, frankly, awesome.

"Feel my fiery wrath, orange lightbulb! I *will*
become a real boy someday!"

John's Rating: 2.0 out of 5.0. Playing this game is often a comedy of errors due not only to the scarcity of power-ups, but also to the dull playing fields, touchy bomb placement and ugly graphics. Fortunately, like a surprisingly large number of dull games with one redeeming mechanic, it inspired man fruitful, glorious sequels, all equally filled with that awkward moment where you bomb yourself into a wall.

My God, what have I done?!?