The Controllers of My Youth

I'm going to babble in a non-review capacity for a moment. Feel free to ignore this post if this isn't what you're here for.

New NES Games

Just the other day I was lamenting to my old pal The Admiral regarding my apparent inability to keep up with this blog. He patted me on the shoulder in a manner at once condescending and sympathetic and said, "Don't worry, you'll catch up - it's not like they're making any new games for the NES." While I appreciate the sentiment, and I certainly don't think that it's an altogether unfair statement, what about...

BreakThru

I know I complain about title screens a lot, but
when this is my introduction to a game, it's
really hard to get my hopes up.

Publisher: Data East
Year: 1987
Genre: Shmup Side-Scroll


In BreakThru, you are the driver of a jumpy car (a fairly common video game theme even today) who must drive into enemy territory, assault their base and recover a top secret jet of some sort (top-secret jets are also a fairly common theme). Along the way, you'll battle enemies that shoot constantly into the area you have to occupy to even have a chance to shoot them, parachutes that prevent their precious cargo from ever reaching all the way to the ground, and chunky controls that will kill you more effectively than any of the enemies can hope to.

Jumpy car, meet... some kind of tank with an
antenna and also I think it's got wheels?

John's Rating: 2.0 out of 5.0. There's not too much mechanically wrong with this game, it's just hard to pinpoint anything this game did right. The graphics are lackluster, the gameplay is bland and unsatisfying, the enemies are dull yet difficult, and although the sound is not overly annoying the best that can be said of it is that it is forgettable.

The final season of Little House on the Prairie was
decidedly more violent than the others.

Bomberman

Dystopian futures have terrible fonts.

Publisher: Hudson Soft
Year: 1987
Genre: Action


Bomberman is a game about a little robot guy who, presumably, lives in a dytopian future where sentient robots are relegated to menial production jobs and all structures are comprised of a combination of bricks and blast doors. Bomberman's deepest wish is to become human, and he heard a rumor that any robot who makes it to the surface becomes human and gets to star in a considerably less fun game. As such, the bomb-making droid sets out on a quest to escape his dull factory existence and kill everyone in his path, a plan that is, frankly, awesome.

"Feel my fiery wrath, orange lightbulb! I *will*
become a real boy someday!"

John's Rating: 2.0 out of 5.0. Playing this game is often a comedy of errors due not only to the scarcity of power-ups, but also to the dull playing fields, touchy bomb placement and ugly graphics. Fortunately, like a surprisingly large number of dull games with one redeeming mechanic, it inspired man fruitful, glorious sequels, all equally filled with that awkward moment where you bomb yourself into a wall.

My God, what have I done?!?

Athletic World

Family "Fun" Fitness

Publisher: Bandai
Year: 1987
Genre: Power Pad


Do you own a Power Pad? The answer to that is, "No, you do not own a power pad because no one does." The Power Pad was part of an insidious plot to convince us to use video games as a way of staying fit and healthy. How stupid is that? So stupid that DDR made huge amounts of money off the idea. So stupid that all three major game systems of the 21st century are courting that same fitness nut "gamer" crowd through motion sensing cameras and motion capture controllers. It's all part of conspiracy to make gamers use games as exercise, and it finds all its roots here.

I "won," but at what cost?

John's Rating: 0.0 out of 5.0, because I don't have a power pad, and I'm not going to get one.

Athena

Athena will get the hang of winking someday.

Publisher: SNK*
Year: 1987
Genre: Platform


The gods must be crazy retarded. Athena is a game about the Greek Goddess of Wisdom a princess and her quest to rid the land of evil make really stupid life decisions. The plot begins with her opening Pandora's Box the Door Which Shouldn't Be Opened at Mount Olympus Victory Castle, leading her to enter the Underworld Fantasy World to battle some evil guy named Dante... no wait, that last one's right.

At least the best armor isn't a chainmail bikini.

John's Rating: 1.5 out of 5.0. Athena jumps a randomly determined height when you hit A. Let me say that again - you jump a randomly determined height when you hit A. It doesn't matter how long or short you hold the button, Athena either jumps very high or makes a tiny near-useless hop. Nothing I can figure out influences which one it will be. That alone would be a game-breaker, but it also suffers from obnoxious music, poor hit detection and a collection of nearly useless weapons that replace your useful weapons if you so much as look at them wrong.Oh, and levels have no check points. You're welcome.

* I know their first two games haven't been very promising, but SNK was a great company, I swear!

Arkanoid

Publisher: Taito
Year: 1987
Genre: Breakout Clone


Every day, people in the civilized world encounter, at bare minimum, four walls (presuming they have a coffee can in their bedroom to poop in), and you know what? Sometimes, we don't like it. Sometimes, a man just has to say, "You know what, Mr. Wall? Who the hell are you to come into MY house and tell me which of MY rooms are partitioned from one another?" For those of you who, like me, have found themselves injuring some portion of their anatomy in a furious tequila-fueled attempt at libero cubiculum, Arkanoid may well prove to be the cathartic experience you need.

"Hey, kid - wanna eff up some walls?"